Recently my calculus teacher saw a bear in her yard. Since she didn't know the proper way to handle a bear, she hid in her house. I'm here to help people with problems like this. Let's get started.
1. The first step is the most important: Rush the bear. When a bear gets to run towards you, the momentum behind it is more than enough to vaporize you.
2. WRESTLE. Once you get into the actual wrestling, you have to understand that bears are ruthless, and they WILL fight dirty. As you can see in this picture, the bear appears to be spanking this man to emotionally degrade and humiliate him.
3. Once you have wrestled with the bear for over 3 hours, he will start to slow down. This is your chance to disembowel the beast. Hold your pointer finger up and push it into his stomach, opening your fingers as you do this to get your whole fist into the animal.
4. After the demon has expired, you MUST take a part of the animal; tooth, claw etc. This is to ensure that the bear cannot fight its way out of hell and back into its body.
5. Celebrate! You have just killed your first bear! You can celebrate anyway you like, such as ice cream cake, or bear meat.
- Vexil
silly. i prefer to use a manly weapon. like a large caliber rifle, after having baited the bear with the sounds of boy bands like NSYNC or Boy2Men (Radio the Ape will work, too), simply drop the bear when it is 50 yds away. repeat the shots until the bear remains still. Bears hate boy bands more than they hate empty sardine tins and loud noises. Bears, like most creatures, also hate calculus.
ReplyDeleteDo we have a new guest writer, maybe?
ReplyDelete